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Friday, October 20, 2006

Stop it!

So since my last post I have read The Defiant Hero, Over the Edge, Into the Night, and Gone too Far, all by Suzanne Brockmann. Hopefully, I'll have something up about them by the end of the weekend. I think my reading slump is officially over, and I think I can be declared an official SB fangirl. But I love these despite some issues, the chief of which there was at least one character in each book that I wanted to shake until their teeth rattled.

I very rarely watch MadTV, but every once in awhile my husband will watch it on Comedy Central. It's been on for, like, a million years, did you know that? Sometimes it's funny, sometimes not, but there's one sketch that I love and we always say it to each other. In it, Bob Newhart plays a therapist who has two words of advice for everything his patient has to say--Stop It!! Not to make light of actual emotional issues and the therapy process, but I think we've all had those moments, say when a friend or relative is going on about something for the millionth time and you've given them a million pieces of advice that they never listen to, where you just want to say, Stop it! Get over it! Enough already! Here's the sketch: YouTube--Stop It!. Warning: It's bit long and the audio's out of sync, which gets a little annoying.

So now I'd like to put on my therapist/friend hat and give a little advice to some of Brockmann's characters. This is how I felt while reading these books. My apologies to those who haven't read any of SB's books, I'll clear up their identities next post.

Alyssa Locke: I love you, I really do. You're a bitch sometimes, but I totally understand your frustrations at being a woman of color in a man's world. You have to work so much harder than everyone else, and show no weakness. But you know what? Stop it. Just stop it. You're a little too mean, and protesting a little too much. Relax, have a drink or two (the liquid courage helps, doesn't it?), and go booty call Sam. I know, I know, he's a redneck, arrogant asshole, but just...stop it. Go get some redneck ass. And stop it.

Meg: Stop it! Now, seriously. Stop it! Because as much as I'd like to say I understand your trust issues due to your lousy marriage, and your desperation as a mother to save your child, you pretty much define "too stupid to live." You've got your adoring Navy SEAL ready to do anything for you. He's a trained professional, idiot! And you are annoying on a number of levels. Unlike Alyssa, I don't like you that much, but I just wanted to tell you to stop it. Shut up and accept some help.

Stan: I really like you. You seem like a great guy, your name is Stanley, and you're scary looking, which I like in a man. But you're kinda insecure, and I'm here to tell you, stop it! When the gorgeous woman of your dreams starts throwing herself at you, don't set her up with one of your men. And say that you're not good for her, when there's no evidence that you are anything but a stand up guy. Stop it!!

Joan DaCosta: Ditto for you. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. You started off okay, but I really stopped liking you. Stop it already. Go find your young stud and have some fun, before he realizes how shallow and annoying you really are. Stop it!!

Max: Okay Max, I adore you. And again, I understand your reasons for wanting to keep your distance from Gina. But she's definitely Brockmann's best female character. She rocks. So just stop it. I'll give you a little hint, if you want to keep your distance from someone, you don't make sure you know their whereabouts at all time. And don't have sex with them (although I'm kind of glad you did, 'cuz it seems like you needed to get laid). And don't ask Alyssa to marry you b/c it'll be easier. Really, man! Any romance novel character can tell you that's not a good idea. Just stop it, godammit!!! And as your fake therapist, I'd like to recommend that you go see a real therapist. I love you, man, and I'm looking forward to your book, but stop it! And get some help. You worry me.

Man, giving advice is exhausting. But better than doing the bills. Ta for now.

9 comments:

Rosario said...

LMAO! That was hilarious. And, as much as I LOVE those books, I have to agree with a lot of it!

Holly said...

LMAO! That's hilarious. Except I couldn't get over the issues you mentioned enough to love the books. How bout Kelly refusing to get married until she has NO CHOICE? Freakin retarded ass Penis Enviers.

margee said...

Hehehe. That MadTV sketch is FUNNY.

Dylan said...

OMGOSH I LOVE YOU DEVON! I'm a big SB fangirl too, I know what you mean about the issues, there were issues that got on my hot damn nerves too, but not enough to not love the books, this is one of my favs...=)

Mailyn said...

O live Bob Newhart. I used to watch rerunsof his shows!

Mailyn said...

That's supposed to be "I love" not "O Live"...wtf is wrong with me?!?!? LOL

Kristie (J) said...

OMG - that was too funny!!! I LOVED it - just LOVED it! Loved your quicky therapy and love Bob Newhart!

Stacy~ said...

Even me, a diehard Brockmann fan, had to laugh at your therapy session - you're right-on with a lot of it.

Yeah, there are issues, no question, but I'd rather read an awesome and intense SB book with issues than some mediocre stuff with no issues. That's just me.

Anonymous said...

OMG! Too funny. I haven't started these yet... have one left on team ten and have read some loveswepts and harl and heartthrob.

LOL guess I liked her too ;)